Losing Hope
by GUCIGIRL
Summary: Beast Boy can't come to accept that Terra is really gone. Can someone help him understand what she meant when she said, Things change.? Set after Things Change. BBRae. I eat flames for a midafternoon snack. R&R PLEASE!


Losing Hope

By GUCIGIRL

Beast Boy sighed. It had been a long afternoon in Jump City. The sun shone down on his back as he sat atop a steel beam fifty feet in the air. Wiping sweat from his brow, he continued looking down, peering around for any sight of what he was looking for. He was watching the school, the one where Terra went. Well…supposedly Terra. He observed the empty courtyard outside of the building – any minute the bell would ring and all the students would appear, including her. The urge to burst in there and confront her once more was overwhelming, but Beast Boy contained himself.

_I got a faulty parachute_

_I got a stranger's friend_

_An exciting change in_

_My butchers blend_

The bell finally rang, echoing through the area. From the front doors, hundreds of students poured into the courtyard for their free period. Squinting in the bright sunlight, he looked around for Terr…her. There were so many teenagers there; it was hard to make her out amongst all of them. She was leaning against the school's brick wall with her two friends. The three of them were chatting away, unaware that they were being observed from far away by a sad green boy. Beast Boy noted that she didn't even look slightly perturbed after their encounter. He contemplated believing that she wasn't Terra for a moment, but he couldn't bring his mind to accept that she was really gone.

Focusing on the schoolyard once more, he noticed that the other two girls were gone, and were replaced by a tall boy with long, dark hair. He was leaning one hand on the wall above her, and they were talking. A surge of jealousy washed over him, but he squashed it back inside as his fists tightened. Beast Boy stared for a few minutes more before the bell rang once again. Terr…the girl and the tall boy left hand-in-hand and headed back through the double doors. He turned his head away and tried not to cry.

_A symbol on the ceiling_

_With the flick of a switch_

_My new found hero_

_In the enemy's ditching_

With the schoolyard empty once again, Beast Boy knew it would be several more hours before _she_ would appear again. The blaring sun wasn't getting any cooler, so he turned into a hawk and flew down towards the pavement. He reached the sidewalk and turned back into a human, landing solidly on his feet. Taking one last glance at the school, he decided to walk home. He needed the time to think. Placing his hands in his pockets, Beast Boy trudged past the high school, not daring to look at it. As he walked beside the metal bar fence, a blond girl glimpsed out the window to see the green boy strolling past. Feeling her heart sink a little, she turned back to her biology lab, trying to regain her focus.

As Beast Boy dragged his feet on the cement, his memory began wandering. He remembered how he had felt when he first saw Terra's statue. His heart had fallen through the floor. Terra had not only been a good friend, but perhaps more than that. When he saw Terra alive for that first time, he had willed himself to believe that she was alive once more. _Stupid. You're so stupid, sometimes_, he told himself. How could he have believed that? But it didn't explain why her statue was missing. "Things change," she had told him, and he was finally coming to understand what she meant. The girl had broken his heart, even though she claimed to never have known him.

_Well somebody's something was left in the room_

_And man now that its gone well of course we assume_

_That somebody else needed something so bad_

_That they took everything that somebody had_

Why did everything he had disappear? Why was it always him? "Then, I suppose," he mused, "none of the Titans have had easy lives. Robin's parents were murdered, Cyborg's parents died and he turned into a half-robot, Star's parents hadn't liked her, but instead, her sister. She had been a slave for quite some time as well. Raven…was complicated to begin with, and had a demon for a father. And me…my parents had died and it was all my fault."

Passersby observed Beast Boy as he walked past them. He was normally seen with the rest of the team when he was fighting, but now…they just didn't know. He looked depressed, but what did they know? The titans were very secretive. Who knew what was bothering him?

Beast Boy looked around at the street he was on. He remembered the arcade that used to be here, along with the candy shop and music store. He had visited all those places with Terra. Brief memories passed before his eyes, but quickly faded as he realized that instead, new office buildings now covered the land. The memories had been swept away with the construction dust and into the bay, where they drifted out to sea, far from the city. It was funny, Beast Boy thought, he had been so excited to get home to see all of his favorite places again. But there was irony in that all of that had disappeared and all he could think to do was to run as far as he could from there.

_Losing hope is easy_

When your only friend is gone 

_And every time you look around_

_Well, it all, it all just seems to change_

He eventually reached Titan's tower, where he went into the main room. Cyborg was in the kitchen, Robin and Starfire were unknowingly flirting on the couch, and Raven sat in the corner, reading. Nothing had changed here, to his relief. Beast Boy attempted to change his mood as he headed over to the kitchen, where Cyborg was fixing himself a snack. "Hey, BB. Haven't seen you all afternoon. Where've you been?"

"Oh, you know," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck, "out and about. Listen, do you want to play video games?"

"That depends. Are you ready for me to kick your butt?"

"You are _so_ not kicking my butt this time!" Beast Boy commented, jumping over the back of the couch and landing right in front of the TV screen, grasping his controller. Cyborg started the game up and Starfire and Robin left to go find somewhere quieter. Raven lowered her book and noticed the two for the first time. Sensing their emotions, she could tell Cyborg was filled with confidence and cockiness, but something was different with Beast Boy. His normal cheery attitude was clouded by a great weight that was sitting on his shoulders. Something big was bothering him, but she couldn't lay a finger on it.

The game began and both boys began with enthusiasm, but as Beast Boy pulled into first in their racing game, he suddenly dropped the controller. Cyborg watched in confusion as his best friend sighed and got up to leave. "Yo, BB! Aren't you going to finish the game?"

"No, I'm not. You go ahead. I need some time alone. See you later." The automatic metal doors leading to the living room opened and closed, leaving a dumbstruck Cyborg and a worried Raven behind.

_The mark was left_

_Man it's never the same_

_Next time that you shoot_

_Make sure that you aim_

Beat Boy arrived in his room and immediately gave a noise of disgust. It was absolutely filthy, but he was in no mood to clean. On the other hand, however, he had nothing better to do, so he go to work, trying to take his mind off of a certain blond girl. He threw out old pizza boxes and papers, organized his clothes, and cleaned off his desk. Once his bed was made and his floor was clean, Beast Boy settled at his computer and did a search on the local school. It reached the school's website and read the description.

He found that it was a private school with a very strict dress code, and only students who could afford to go there were admitted. Scrolling down, he found a link for the inventory of students. Past that, he found all four grades listed. Clicking on ninth grade, a list of students appeared alphabetically along with their pictures. After looking for quite a long time, he found her picture. Beside it, her name was listed: Jacquelyn Nell. Jacquelyn. Her name was Jacquelyn. Jacquelyn Nell. Scrolling up a bit more, he found the boy she had been holding hands with. His name was Kobe James, and he looked very popular. His long hair curled slightly at the edges, and he was tall with dark hair and tan skin. Removing his gloves, Beast Boy gazed at his own skin. Green. He was green, small, and had short hair. Compared to _Kobe_, he was a nothing.

Suddenly, Cyborg was calling to him from outside his door. "Hey, man. We're all going out for pizza. You coming?"

"No. Go on. I'm not hungry."

"But you're always hungry," Cyborg argued.

"Not now, OK, dude?"

"If you say so."

Beast Boy heard the footsteps fade away. Glancing back at the computer screen, be kicked the desk and grasped his head. He needed fresh air. Opening his door, he headed up the stairs and onto the roof, where he sat, dangling his feet over the edge. It was a cloudless night, and if had been any other day, he would have enjoyed spotting constellations he knew, but today was different. He had sat here with Terra and watched the stars once. Pushing those thoughts out of his mind, he laid on his back to gaze upward. Was it just him, or did the stars seem dimmer?

_Open windows with passing cars_

_A brand new night_

With the same old stars 

Closing his eyes, Beast Boy got up and headed back inside. It wasn't the same; it never would be again. Losing someone was the hardest thing he had ever had to go through. Back in his room, he collapsed on his bed, but couldn't help glancing a drawer he had vowed to keep closed forever. Inside of it was everything he wanted to forget. He shoved it in that drawer and hoped it would be pushed from his mind forever. Until now, he had never given it a thought, but today…he was tempted to open it. Walking cautiously over to the chest of drawers, Beast Boy knelt down and pulled a key from his desk. Taking a deep breath, he placed the key in the keyhole. His hand was shaking uncontrollably and as he grasped to try to restrain the tremors, his arms began to shake. A shiver ran down his spine as the key was turned. Shutting his eyes, he pulled and the cold metal drawer slid open.

The inside was bursting full of things: pictures, cards, letters, music, drawings, and several official-looking papers. Pulling the drawer out entirely, he carefully emptied it. On the top, a piece of paper from a hospital sat. Reading it, Beast Boy discovered it was his birth certificate. His tiny footprint was imprinted next to his parents' signatures. Next, he pulled a stack of birthday cards, each from close family and friends. Not wanting to look at them, he found several folders of pictures that had accumulated in the far end of the drawer.

Glancing through the first pack, his heart began to throb painfully. There were his parents, smiling back at him. Mark and Marie Logan stood in an airport, seemingly awaiting a flight. Marie's arms were pointing down and grasping two handles – the handles of a stroller. The next picture in the stack took his breath away. There he sat as a three-year-old in his mother and father's arms. His face, his old face, shone in a big, flashy grin; the same one that inhibited his face today. His blond hair and blue eyes beamed at the camera. His pudgy face was scrunched together from his dimples, and he was obviously laughing.

After shuffling through several other heartbreaking stacks, he found the one that changed his life forever. His mother was leaning over him in his bed in Africa. Beast Boy, Gar at the time, was obviously very ill. His face was so pale, he looked like a ghost, and the joy contained in his eyes had left. The next picture showed him as he began his life anew. There he sat, a happy five-year-old, next to his parents, green skin and all. His family looked weary, but the love for their son still shone in their eyes. Beast Boy could feel tears coming, but he didn't care. Throwing the pictures aside, he selected another batch and shuffled through them.

There was Terra.

It was a picture taken by Raven – he remembered distinctly. He had his arm slung around Terra's shoulders, and they each had a goofy face. The next was of all of the titans. Of course, Cyborg, his best friend, towered over everyone, smiling genuinely at the camera. Star was the next tallest, and she looked absolutely thrilled at the prospect of a group photo. She had placed her arm around Robin, whose face was quite pink. Beast Boy couldn't help chuckle. He had his arm around Terra, and they were both grinning. In the corner, Raven stood, not a trace of a smile on her face.

_Losing hope is easy_

When your only friend is gone 

_And every time you look around_

Well, it all, it all just seems to change 

Raven was so mysterious – every piece of her puzzled Beast Boy. She was quiet, intelligent, and wise beyond her years. She was incredibly sarcastic, yet the kindness she showed towards her friends made up for all that. On the outside, he and she were definite opposites, but the more he thought about her, the more alike they became. _She and I have both had tough pasts – our parents are either dead or don't care about us. We both have powers that are hard to control, and we both have trouble with emotion – she can't show any, and I'm too sad. _Sighing, he set the picture aside and continued sorting things until a knock on the door shook him from his reverie.

"Beast Boy? We're back."

It was Raven.

"Is there something wrong? You never miss a chance to go out to pizza. Are you sure you're feeling fine?"

"I'm super."

"You don't sound super. I can sense your emotion – you're troubled. Please let me come in."

"No. I'm busy."

"Beast Boy – listen to me. I can help you – I know how it feels to be weighted down by your emotions."

He paused, thinking. "Fine, come in." She stepped inside as the door slid open and closed again. Raven found him sitting on the floor, surrounded by pictures and papers. Not bothering to ask what the items were, as she knew it was none of her business, she sat down beside him.

"So, what's going on?"

"Let's just say this; I'm not having a great day."

"It's Terra, isn't it?"

Beast Boy stared down at the picture she was smiling up from. He gave a curt nod and continued gazing at the floor. Trying to remain positive, Raven asked about the pictures. He showed her the pictures taken at that time. She admired them and handed them back to him. Noticing there were other pictures, she grabbed another pack and opened them, assuming they were also from when Terra was there.

Instead, she found herself looking at a tiny blond boy who clung to his mother as they exited a plane. She was about to ask Beast Boy who it was, when she realized exactly who she was looking at. This was Beast Boy…well not exactly. She was taking in a glimpse of Beast Boy's past, his childhood; his life as Garfield Logan.

Beast Boy saw what she was looking at and ripped it from her hands. "Give me those! You don't touch those – don't you ever touch those!" Raven was surprised by his sudden outburst and felt desperation rise within the green boy beside her.

"Beast Boy – I didn't know, OK? Please don't get mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you, Raven. I could never be mad at you. I just have a very sensitive past." He slipped the photos back into the case and placed them in the drawer, along with every thing else. "I don't know what I was thinking – taking this drawer out. It was such a stupid idea. It would only cause hurt."

"Why is it a big deal to open a drawer?"

"Look, this is my memory drawer. This is where I stuff the parts of my life I want to forget."

"Forget?"

"Yeah, that's right. There are times in my life that I wish I could just erase. I don't to feel the pain anymore. I want Terra to be erased and I want my parents to be erased."

"Your parents? Why would you want to erase them?"

"They died when I was five, and it's all my fault. I'd rather not remember them and just be happy and move on with my life."

Beast Boy tossed the pictures angrily into the drawer and slammed it shut back into the chest. He headed back for his bed and fell into, hot tears spilling onto his pillow. Raven felt sudden sympathy for him. He wasn't a joker, but a boy who told jokes to hide his sorrow. She got up and sat on the edge of his bed and ran a hand gently over his back that was shaking from crying. The sobs eventually turned into sniffles, but Beast Boy still laid on his bed, not saying a word. "Shh. It's all right. Everything's OK." Raven found herself giving him words of comfort, and he sat up, eyes puffy from crying.

_Feed the fool_

_A piece of the pie_

_Make a fool of his system_

Make a fool of his mind 

Without uttering a thing, he looked into her eyes once and threw his arms around her in a tight embrace. Raven was a little taken aback at first, but welcomed him softly. Finally, six words escaped his lips that were the source of his problem. _"But I miss them so much." _Raven contemplated these words. He had never known what it was like to have a family – a real family. Her mother had died when she was very small, and her father…wasn't a father at all. She had been raised by the monks of Azarath, but they hadn't been parental. She could hardly imagining everything you had all at once at such a small age and being left for nothing.

"Beast Boy," she said after a long while, "You know hiding from the pain is not the right thing to do. What has happened, has happened, and you must face it eventually."

"I can't, Raven, I just can't. That's why I have that drawer. I want to forget things that I can't bear to think about."

"But, you see, that's why you hurt so much inside. Your parents would have wanted you to remember them, but you choose not to, and so your hurting ebbs and flows. You forget them sometimes, and the pain disappears, but during that occasional moment when your mind passes by those memories, the ache hurts so much you can't think.

"If you take those pictures and drawings out of that drawer and keep them out, you will think of them more often. Yes, for a while, it will hurt, but in time, you will come to accept the loss."

"It's going to be so hard."

"I didn't say it would be easy, but it will be easier than sitting around here grieving day after day. Come on – pick out your favorite pictures and we can hang them up."

_Give him bottles of lies_

_And maybe he'll find_

_His place in heaven_

_Cause he might just die_

Beast Boy let go of her and smiled warmly. He got up and sorted through all his favorites, showing her various pictures and telling her the stories behind each of them. He framed his favorite pictures and arranged them on his far wall so he could look at them as he fell asleep. There was one of all of the titans – one with and one without Terra. Another was of just Terra and Beast Boy – he couldn't resist placing that one up – it had been such a good time. He also placed the picture of him clinging to his mother at the airport in Africa. Several others with he and his parents were up, and the last two were large prints that he hung on the wall right next to his bed where he slept.

Beast Boy hid them until they hung neatly on the wall, when he revealed them to Raven, who gave a sad smile. The first was a picture of a young couple sitting on a park bench in the middle of a city. The woman, who Raven realized was Beast Boy's mother, held a very large belly and both adults were gazing lovingly at it. The other was taken when he was two years old. It was a portrait taken in a studio of the little blond boy and his parents. "Beast Boy – your pictures are incredible. In time, I think they will help."

"I think you're right. Just looking at my parents is helping me already." He turned to the picture of he and Terra and froze. Was having this picture out a good idea? _Yes,_ Beast Boy decided, Jacquelyn Nell might not be Terra, and just by looking at the picture, he came to realize that.

Raven noticed how occupied Beast Boy seemed to be with his new wall, so she slowly backed away towards the door to give him some alone time. With his keen animal senses, he heard her footsteps. "Raven, wait," he voiced, still not taking his eyes from the wall.

"Yes?"

"I just want to say thank you," he said, turning to her. "You know, you could have let me sit in my room and you could have chosen to not get involved, but you did. If you hadn't come in, I don't know what I would have done to myself. You know, now that I think about it, I never really loved Terra. She was a good friend who I thought a lot of. But she betrayed us and she wasn't as loyal of friend as I had once thought. But you, Raven – you've had the ability to destroy the world. You could have just left us for dead, but you didn't. You helped us and never once faltered in your friendship. Regardless if Jacquelyn Nell really is Terra, you've been a better friend than anyone I have ever known."

"Well, I don't know about that," Raven shifted uncomfortably, "but I do know that the worst thing you can do is lose hope. If you keep hoping, then your life will be that much easier. I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by one whom you love…or think you love. But you have to move on – life goes on. We aren't meant to dwell on happenings of the past, but instead, look to the future and hope for the best."

Both teenagers smiled at each other, and as Raven turned to go again, Beast Boy grasped her hand and kissed her. "I've found my hope," he said, wishing her a good night.

The next day, Beast Boy woke up completely refreshed. He had slept peacefully knowing his parents were watching over him as he rested. Everyone seemed surprised at him the next morning, as he was happy for the first time in weeks. As he ate his tofu eggs at breakfast, he glanced out at the warm day – the perfect weather for a walk.

He set out at the park and walked for a bit, not really paying attention to where his feet carried him. His thoughts were somewhere else – in Africa, where he had spent a portion of his life. However, they were not sad thoughts, but mere memories of things that he had done and places he had seen. Suddenly, Beast Boy looked up and found himself at the school once again. He supposed he had walked there so many times in the past weeks that he took the path there naturally.

_Losing hope is easy_

_When your only friend is gone_

_And every time you look around_

_Well, it all, it all just seems to change_

Beast Boy didn't even bother to look for Terr…Jacquelyn. Whoever she was, she had been right – things change. But just before he finished passing the metal fence, a voice called out to him. "Hey, Beast Boy!" He whipped around and found himself face-to-face with Jacquelyn and Kobe. "See, I told you I've met him." Kobe looked impressed at this, and Beast Boy raised his eyebrows.

"Met me?" he exploded, "you didn't even know me until I mistook you for an old friend who's _dead_."

"Beast Boy – you didn't tell me she died. I'm so sorry."

"Forget it, OK. It's not your fault. It's mine. I never accepted that she was really gone, just like my parents. Now I have. Like you said, things change."

With that, he turned around, leaving Jacquelyn and Kobe standing at the gates to the school in shock. Raven abruptly appeared in front of Beast Boy, who jumped back a little. "Oh, hey, Rae," he said coolly, trying to ignore the swooping sensation in his stomach that had appeared when she had arrived there.

"Hello, Beast Boy. So, this is _Terra_."

"No, it's not. Her name is Jacquelyn."

Leaving his side, Raven walked up to the blond girl and examined her closely. Giving a nod of approval, she was about to head back to her green companion, when she whispered into her ear, _"If you ever hurt Beast Boy the way you did before, you will answer directly to me."_

Jacquelyn backed away, looking slightly frightened. She came back into the gates of the school and watched the green boy and pale girl disappear away.

"Hey, Raven? Do you wanna grab a pizza? Maybe we could talk some more."

She smiled and replied, "You know what, I think that's a great idea…Gar."

_But hanging on is easy_

_When you've got a friend to call_

_When nothings making sense at all_

You're not the only one who's afraid of change 


End file.
